Fears & Dreams

Fears vs. Dreams from To Write Love on Her Arms. on Vimeo.

My biggest fear right now is that i'll never be able to come back, that i'll never find my true self.  My biggest dream is getting my surgery and being so much healthier because of it - maybe even not have diabetes, and then be able to go on with my life - move ahead, go to school.

I know the story i'm living - it doesn't have very much life in it.  Every bit of life that i live is like heroic event in my life.  Even grocery shopping.  Depression and pain have me so crippled that I barely live.

Resolved a couple things.

I forgot to post last week that i made up with my therapist.  It was so foreign to me that she wanted to make things right between us.  I was just starting this manic episode when this all happened, and I didn't exactly approach things in an even toned assertive way, but she said she heard the hurt in my voice and wanted to talk.  I went in and we talked, and it's all better now.  She's on vacation right now, and i'm anxious for her to get back!

Brian took the girls' friend home yesterday and I had a talk with the them and they appologised to one another and I hope things are OK.  They seem to be back to normal for now.  That girl doesn't have anyone good to take care of her and it breaks my heart, and i want to just take care of her.  But, I am just in no emotional condition to take on the extra responsibility.   I don't think my girls are either - they just don't even know how to deal with all of that conflict.  In a way i'm proud of how my daughters have turned out... Yeah, we have to work on conflict resolution - who doesn't?  But, they don't know how to deel with it because they don't have to deel with it, and for that - I am proud. 

All that we've been through (and it's been a lot - i'm sure things will come out later on in this blog) and with me trying to deel with bi-polar and physical pain, and my past... and my children don't have to deel with conflict.  *high five* ;)

There's crows outside my window

I usually am lulled to sleep at night by the haunting song of the loon, but this afternoon there's crows out there - I wonder what died?  Makes me kinda sick and sad all at once.

I just woke up and could probably sleep more but i'm going to try and stay awake.  I was woken up by screaming and slamming.  My oldest had a friend over and things went sour between them and the second daughter and it's all far too messy for me to try and figure out.  It makes me sad.  My oldest started screaming at her sister sometime after I had this last break and started to go Manic.  I was screaming and yelling at my husband and I guess she took it as the OK to start screaming too?  I worry about it - so many things go through my head about this.  Brian is taking the other girl home and i'm going to give this a bit of time to heal over before I start talking about it with them. 

I told the girls that stress in the house was going to make my condition worse and they seemed to immediately start acting out.  wtf?  Right now though, i'm more concerned about them and the dynamic of the home as a whole than I am about that.  I don't feel aggressive or agitated anymore - I am sad though - kind of feel like hiding.  I'm horrified and ashamed of the things I did while on that manic high (Amitryptaline induced) and I'm afraid that the damage may be irreversible.   It's times like these that make you wonder what the hell you're fighting for - if the damage is going to happen anyhow, why am I doing this?