There's crows outside my window

I usually am lulled to sleep at night by the haunting song of the loon, but this afternoon there's crows out there - I wonder what died?  Makes me kinda sick and sad all at once.

I just woke up and could probably sleep more but i'm going to try and stay awake.  I was woken up by screaming and slamming.  My oldest had a friend over and things went sour between them and the second daughter and it's all far too messy for me to try and figure out.  It makes me sad.  My oldest started screaming at her sister sometime after I had this last break and started to go Manic.  I was screaming and yelling at my husband and I guess she took it as the OK to start screaming too?  I worry about it - so many things go through my head about this.  Brian is taking the other girl home and i'm going to give this a bit of time to heal over before I start talking about it with them. 

I told the girls that stress in the house was going to make my condition worse and they seemed to immediately start acting out.  wtf?  Right now though, i'm more concerned about them and the dynamic of the home as a whole than I am about that.  I don't feel aggressive or agitated anymore - I am sad though - kind of feel like hiding.  I'm horrified and ashamed of the things I did while on that manic high (Amitryptaline induced) and I'm afraid that the damage may be irreversible.   It's times like these that make you wonder what the hell you're fighting for - if the damage is going to happen anyhow, why am I doing this?

A Hard Days Night

It's 12:30 in the morning and i'm not close to sleepy.  I had a very rough few days - I was taking Amitrptyline for sleep at the beginning of a manic episode and the med actually threw me into a full blown manic episode.  I hadn't felt that bad since I quit smoking 4 years ago.  I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  I felt like I was pleading with my husband for help but now that I look back I don't so much think I was - I voiced the fact that I wasn't doing well, and that I neaded him, but didn't tell him what I needed. 

Thursday morning I had a blood draw to have my Lithium levels tested and then needed to go to Rhinelander to the Phychiatric nurse to discuss meds.  I was a fucking mess. I was afraid i'd get lost on the way there, my anxiety levels were at the top and I was just messed up.  Brian left for work and it tottally set me off.  I went to his work, made some sort of a scene, and then I keyed his truck, and dumped water all over the seat.  He didn't come home right away and I was worried that he was making a police report so when i was getting ready to go to my appointment, i packed a bag for jail. lol

The doctor figured out what the problem was, took me off of those, raised my Lithium and told me to take some Clonazapam to relax.  I slept well last night, but today has been a little rough - not bad but I feel restless and not sleepy.  My diet went to shit when my head did, but I was able to climb back on the wagon today.

I have a bit of a weird rash that i'm concerned about.  it isn't all over my body and not particularily itchy, but it's sure ugly.  After having survived the Lamactil Rash, I'm scared of rashes when i'm taking new meds.  Hopefully it goes away - I've taken 3 different meds since this Manic episode began and two of those we know weren't well tollerated - maybe one of those caused it?

I feel so out of sorts and disconected from my life.  I don't know where anything is, not interacting with my children very much, and I panick a lot when I can't find stuff.  Just kind of "out of control".  It's hard to take care of yourself when things are like this.