On growing up, among other things

I'm going to be asking my husband for a divorce.  I've already asked several times, but the next day, or as soon as I ask him to do something for me, whichever comes first, he forgets that I asked and carries on as though it was just a fluke in the night by some crazed woman.  I guess that I'm going to have to talk about with him with a therapist or something, I'm just not sure.  I'm also not sure whether to press the point now or wait until after the Holidays.  I mean, it's not like there's someone else waiting for me, nor do I think that he's suddenly going start trying to make things work between now and then.  So, is it better to wait, or just rip it off like a band aid and go on?

I want things to remain amicable with us and I'm sure they can.  I love Brian.  He's never beat any of us, starved us, sexually assaulted us, or any of the horrifying things we went through with my first husband.  I guess that's why I've flip flopped back and forth between wanting a divorce and wanting to stick it out.  You don't leave a perfectly good man, but I'm not happy with him.  He is emotionally unavailable and immature.  Brian is younger than I am by 14 years.  When we met I had a ton of baggage and he was the sympathetic ear that I needed at the time.  Emotionally, we were the same age.  I've since gone through some horrifying events, and am trying to recover from them, and realize that I've grown and want to grow more, but he seems stuck.  Now being around him is hindering my own growth process because he's still that co-dependant little boy that I met. 

I don't think that he can grow while with me either.  Our relationship has turned into one very similar to the one between he and his mother, Especially after I got sick, and needed to be taken care of more.  I almost think that I got sick and had to be cared for more because I was trying to get something out of him that I knew he would give.  He was happy (underneath the ignoring and becoming more and more unavailable) to give it because it was familiar territory for him.

So, here we are, after having gone through all that we've gone through and I'm ready to move on, take care of myself, become in independant, and I don't feel that I can while in this relationship.  I also would love to see Brian make his mistakes and take the consequences of them, and learn from them.  I also think he'd be much better off with a younger woman.  Yeah, I know it's not going to be that easy and it's going to hurt, and I'm going to cry, and I'm going to feel guilty both for leaving him and for splitting up our son's family.  I just don't see how this is doing anyone any good. 

There's this pattern now that goes a lot like the evening went when I got home.   Ours was the only piece of side-walk not shoveled and I almost fell on my ass when I got home.  Brian  seemed confused about the whole notion.  I've been in a ton of pain all day and I asked him this morning when I left to call and make me a chiropractic appointment for tomorrow evening.  He had some time before work, and i'm overly dependant on him.  

So, I asked when my appointment was and there wasn't one, and I had to decide if I was going to pick a fight about it or just shut up.  I chose the latter.  No point in fighting about it anymore. I was hurt and angry and I had the same thoughts go through my head as I have every other day: "I need to just do everything by myself."   Well, guess what, I can't.  Not only am I stuck in this pattern but Brian lives as though no-one else lives here and we all have to clean up after him and remind him to take care of himself.  It's physically and emotionally taxing, and I don't know how I could do that and break that pattern and do everything myself too. 

I'm ready to be on my own, and i'm really ready to find out who I am and what I enjoy. I'm ready to heal and be a healthy person.  I crave that, and nead that!

Wish me luck

This shit is crazy

We've moved now and started school.  It's nothing like we hoped for, my family feels like it's falling apart, and I want to fall apart.  I feel like i'm held together by some sort of goo, and I wish it would go away and just let me be irresponsible and go back to bed - like I was before.   I hate this, i hate the anxiety, the crying, the fear, the feeling like i'm not good enough in any part of my life.  Just let me go away!  I can't not be good enough if i never get out of bed.  My kids are misserable, my marriage sucks - I can only pretent everything is alright for just so long before reality comes up and bites my ass.

There's no reprive, no break, no time when everything isn't hell and high water. STOP! Just stop it!  Stop fighting, and misbehaving, and being irresponsible.  Stop giving me more to do and more to think about when I havin't finished doing and thinking what you told me to do and think about before! 

I think i'm going to have to quit school.  If I can't find any ballance, then I just don't need to be there.  Ironically, it's the only damned thing I enjoy.  It's not going to keep my kids out of trouble, and it's not going to save my life.  Marshfield clinic denied me for bariatric surgery - just as well, I wasn't happy with them.  I'm going throu Aspirus in Wausau now and I have a ton of things to do to be ready for surgery and be approved, and my family is just spinning out the drama like cable TV! 

Really?  Can't my family even cut me some slack?  Stop it!  I just got up and out.

Fears & Dreams

Fears vs. Dreams from To Write Love on Her Arms. on Vimeo.

My biggest fear right now is that i'll never be able to come back, that i'll never find my true self.  My biggest dream is getting my surgery and being so much healthier because of it - maybe even not have diabetes, and then be able to go on with my life - move ahead, go to school.

I know the story i'm living - it doesn't have very much life in it.  Every bit of life that i live is like heroic event in my life.  Even grocery shopping.  Depression and pain have me so crippled that I barely live.

Resolved a couple things.

I forgot to post last week that i made up with my therapist.  It was so foreign to me that she wanted to make things right between us.  I was just starting this manic episode when this all happened, and I didn't exactly approach things in an even toned assertive way, but she said she heard the hurt in my voice and wanted to talk.  I went in and we talked, and it's all better now.  She's on vacation right now, and i'm anxious for her to get back!

Brian took the girls' friend home yesterday and I had a talk with the them and they appologised to one another and I hope things are OK.  They seem to be back to normal for now.  That girl doesn't have anyone good to take care of her and it breaks my heart, and i want to just take care of her.  But, I am just in no emotional condition to take on the extra responsibility.   I don't think my girls are either - they just don't even know how to deal with all of that conflict.  In a way i'm proud of how my daughters have turned out... Yeah, we have to work on conflict resolution - who doesn't?  But, they don't know how to deel with it because they don't have to deel with it, and for that - I am proud. 

All that we've been through (and it's been a lot - i'm sure things will come out later on in this blog) and with me trying to deel with bi-polar and physical pain, and my past... and my children don't have to deel with conflict.  *high five* ;)

I got myself into a load of shit on Facebook.

It really hurts me bad because the woman involved and I were kind of friends and she knows things about me that the average person doesn't. It was in this thread about this woman who cut off a man's penis. But her prior posts were al about how nasty women are to men and it made my stomach swirl.

Cheryle Herman-Perez posted this article  with the statement "Just how violent are men?" A friend of hers, Steve longden, who has " Jesus loves you, but I think you're a CUNT" as one of his interests. *eye roll* jumped in on me too.

They made me cry.  I've decided to take a break from facebook - i'm in no condition to go through this right now.  That man even called me a nutcase. 

Fuck You Cheryle for jumping me when I was vulnerable, and fuck you Steve for just being another abusive twit.

Update - I reported their posts to Facebook.  It only feels a little bit better though.

There's crows outside my window

I usually am lulled to sleep at night by the haunting song of the loon, but this afternoon there's crows out there - I wonder what died?  Makes me kinda sick and sad all at once.

I just woke up and could probably sleep more but i'm going to try and stay awake.  I was woken up by screaming and slamming.  My oldest had a friend over and things went sour between them and the second daughter and it's all far too messy for me to try and figure out.  It makes me sad.  My oldest started screaming at her sister sometime after I had this last break and started to go Manic.  I was screaming and yelling at my husband and I guess she took it as the OK to start screaming too?  I worry about it - so many things go through my head about this.  Brian is taking the other girl home and i'm going to give this a bit of time to heal over before I start talking about it with them. 

I told the girls that stress in the house was going to make my condition worse and they seemed to immediately start acting out.  wtf?  Right now though, i'm more concerned about them and the dynamic of the home as a whole than I am about that.  I don't feel aggressive or agitated anymore - I am sad though - kind of feel like hiding.  I'm horrified and ashamed of the things I did while on that manic high (Amitryptaline induced) and I'm afraid that the damage may be irreversible.   It's times like these that make you wonder what the hell you're fighting for - if the damage is going to happen anyhow, why am I doing this?

A Hard Days Night

It's 12:30 in the morning and i'm not close to sleepy.  I had a very rough few days - I was taking Amitrptyline for sleep at the beginning of a manic episode and the med actually threw me into a full blown manic episode.  I hadn't felt that bad since I quit smoking 4 years ago.  I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  I felt like I was pleading with my husband for help but now that I look back I don't so much think I was - I voiced the fact that I wasn't doing well, and that I neaded him, but didn't tell him what I needed. 

Thursday morning I had a blood draw to have my Lithium levels tested and then needed to go to Rhinelander to the Phychiatric nurse to discuss meds.  I was a fucking mess. I was afraid i'd get lost on the way there, my anxiety levels were at the top and I was just messed up.  Brian left for work and it tottally set me off.  I went to his work, made some sort of a scene, and then I keyed his truck, and dumped water all over the seat.  He didn't come home right away and I was worried that he was making a police report so when i was getting ready to go to my appointment, i packed a bag for jail. lol

The doctor figured out what the problem was, took me off of those, raised my Lithium and told me to take some Clonazapam to relax.  I slept well last night, but today has been a little rough - not bad but I feel restless and not sleepy.  My diet went to shit when my head did, but I was able to climb back on the wagon today.

I have a bit of a weird rash that i'm concerned about.  it isn't all over my body and not particularily itchy, but it's sure ugly.  After having survived the Lamactil Rash, I'm scared of rashes when i'm taking new meds.  Hopefully it goes away - I've taken 3 different meds since this Manic episode began and two of those we know weren't well tollerated - maybe one of those caused it?

I feel so out of sorts and disconected from my life.  I don't know where anything is, not interacting with my children very much, and I panick a lot when I can't find stuff.  Just kind of "out of control".  It's hard to take care of yourself when things are like this.