I usually am lulled to sleep at night by the haunting song of the loon, but this afternoon there's crows out there - I wonder what died? Makes me kinda sick and sad all at once.
I just woke up and could probably sleep more but i'm going to try and stay awake. I was woken up by screaming and slamming. My oldest had a friend over and things went sour between them and the second daughter and it's all far too messy for me to try and figure out. It makes me sad. My oldest started screaming at her sister sometime after I had this last break and started to go Manic. I was screaming and yelling at my husband and I guess she took it as the OK to start screaming too? I worry about it - so many things go through my head about this. Brian is taking the other girl home and i'm going to give this a bit of time to heal over before I start talking about it with them.
I told the girls that stress in the house was going to make my condition worse and they seemed to immediately start acting out. wtf? Right now though, i'm more concerned about them and the dynamic of the home as a whole than I am about that. I don't feel aggressive or agitated anymore - I am sad though - kind of feel like hiding. I'm horrified and ashamed of the things I did while on that manic high (Amitryptaline induced) and I'm afraid that the damage may be irreversible. It's times like these that make you wonder what the hell you're fighting for - if the damage is going to happen anyhow, why am I doing this?
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