Sunday, December 11, 2011

So many things i'm supposed to be doing, so little energy

It's finals time, it's the holidays, i'm supposed to be dilligent with my diet and blood sugar so I can get surgery soon. 

All i want to do is sleep.  It's not that I could care less, it all stays there in my mind and I feel more guilty as each day goes by.  I think I may be slipping into a major depressive episode - I've slep a lot this weekend.  Maybe I am in one - just not sleeping 24/7.

I miss people - it's the holidays and I miss my boys, my dad, and my friend Barb.

The girls' dad must've quit his job - we've stopped getting child support, and we're kind of dependant on it.  I've missed school a couple times last week because I didn't have gas money, and I had put a deposite down for all of us to go to a play in Milwaukee with the drama club, and we couldn't go and i've chumped out on my obligations.  And what about Christmas pressents for the kids?  I should have expected this from him and feel foolish that I didn't.

I'm just filled with so much sadness, and don't know where to put it.  :(

I just wanna go home, and I don't even know what that means.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I'm thinking about moving to Wausau

Maybe moving there over winterim.  I have fears about it, but mostly just want to go.  I don't know though - there's pro's and cons.

  • I'd be closer to school -less time, wear on my car, etc.
  • the kids aren't doing well in school here - none of them.
  • No guarantee they'd do better there, but there's a chance
  • We'd be moved before it was getting close to time for my surgery
  • The boys and girls club there doesn't take 1st graders so I don't know what i'd do with him.
  • I'm in a lease here
  • i'm worried about mold in the older houses that i could aford to rent.  Collin & I have asthma.
  • This place is new
  • How am *I* going to move all this stuff???
I guess I mostly feel too tired to move?  How sad. :(

It's almost 6 AM

... and I haven't been to sleep yet.  My head doesn't feel sleepy but my body feels exhausted.  I've taken 3 mg of clonazapam to no avail.  We had a haried day today, and a gut wrenching heart-break one too.  Before I even got up for the day I found that my kids had head-lice, which is just fucking crazy.  The oldest had them the worste, and how does that happen?  I thought we were long past this misserable stage in life.

I tried to call brian several times over an hour period and couldn't get through.  His boss just kept saying that he was with customers.  i was hessitant to say that it was an emergency, but it kinda was.  He needed to be checked and he needed to help.  lice is an incredible about of work - it's exhausting.  I used to run myself ragged when the kids would come home with lice from their dad's when they were little.  EVERYTHING has to be washed and you learn a new appreciation for the term "Nit-picking".   So, went to the store to get supplies, and stopped at brian's work to talk to him since I couldn't get through on the phone. 

I'm not exactly sure what I expected of him but it wasn't the flippant attitude I got along with an offer of money, which I now wish i'd accepted.   I was mortified, and knew I couldn't do it all myself like I used to, and he just went back to work and came home 3-4 hours later.  He helped then and i'm greatful but when I left his work, I cried for a good long time.  My heard felt broken.  I realize that I have been deciding whether or not to leave him and when, but I still aknowledge that I love him.  He's just gotten so cold hearted that I don't think he could possibly love me, and that hurts!

We have more work to do tomorrow (uhh today) - we got everything vaccuumed and the bedding all washed and dried, but there's bags full of clothing to wash, and we have to go out into the sunlight to look for more nits.  My oldest swears that lice is one of the 7 plagues, and she's serious - i'm tempted to agree.  Hang on to your boots, the end is near.

It looks like i'm heading into a manic episode - I hope it's a "mini".  How could my husband just leave me flopping in the wind like this when i'm still so fragile?? I was bed bound in a depressive episode for nearly 2 years, and only just recently got up!  'So here, handle this alone ... no problem' 

Uhg - now i'm crying again.  Stupid men

Thursday, November 10, 2011

On growing up, among other things

I'm going to be asking my husband for a divorce.  I've already asked several times, but the next day, or as soon as I ask him to do something for me, whichever comes first, he forgets that I asked and carries on as though it was just a fluke in the night by some crazed woman.  I guess that I'm going to have to talk about with him with a therapist or something, I'm just not sure.  I'm also not sure whether to press the point now or wait until after the Holidays.  I mean, it's not like there's someone else waiting for me, nor do I think that he's suddenly going start trying to make things work between now and then.  So, is it better to wait, or just rip it off like a band aid and go on?

I want things to remain amicable with us and I'm sure they can.  I love Brian.  He's never beat any of us, starved us, sexually assaulted us, or any of the horrifying things we went through with my first husband.  I guess that's why I've flip flopped back and forth between wanting a divorce and wanting to stick it out.  You don't leave a perfectly good man, but I'm not happy with him.  He is emotionally unavailable and immature.  Brian is younger than I am by 14 years.  When we met I had a ton of baggage and he was the sympathetic ear that I needed at the time.  Emotionally, we were the same age.  I've since gone through some horrifying events, and am trying to recover from them, and realize that I've grown and want to grow more, but he seems stuck.  Now being around him is hindering my own growth process because he's still that co-dependant little boy that I met. 

I don't think that he can grow while with me either.  Our relationship has turned into one very similar to the one between he and his mother, Especially after I got sick, and needed to be taken care of more.  I almost think that I got sick and had to be cared for more because I was trying to get something out of him that I knew he would give.  He was happy (underneath the ignoring and becoming more and more unavailable) to give it because it was familiar territory for him.

So, here we are, after having gone through all that we've gone through and I'm ready to move on, take care of myself, become in independant, and I don't feel that I can while in this relationship.  I also would love to see Brian make his mistakes and take the consequences of them, and learn from them.  I also think he'd be much better off with a younger woman.  Yeah, I know it's not going to be that easy and it's going to hurt, and I'm going to cry, and I'm going to feel guilty both for leaving him and for splitting up our son's family.  I just don't see how this is doing anyone any good. 

There's this pattern now that goes a lot like the evening went when I got home.   Ours was the only piece of side-walk not shoveled and I almost fell on my ass when I got home.  Brian  seemed confused about the whole notion.  I've been in a ton of pain all day and I asked him this morning when I left to call and make me a chiropractic appointment for tomorrow evening.  He had some time before work, and i'm overly dependant on him.  

So, I asked when my appointment was and there wasn't one, and I had to decide if I was going to pick a fight about it or just shut up.  I chose the latter.  No point in fighting about it anymore. I was hurt and angry and I had the same thoughts go through my head as I have every other day: "I need to just do everything by myself."   Well, guess what, I can't.  Not only am I stuck in this pattern but Brian lives as though no-one else lives here and we all have to clean up after him and remind him to take care of himself.  It's physically and emotionally taxing, and I don't know how I could do that and break that pattern and do everything myself too. 

I'm ready to be on my own, and i'm really ready to find out who I am and what I enjoy. I'm ready to heal and be a healthy person.  I crave that, and nead that!

Wish me luck

Sunday, November 6, 2011

This shit is crazy

We've moved now and started school.  It's nothing like we hoped for, my family feels like it's falling apart, and I want to fall apart.  I feel like i'm held together by some sort of goo, and I wish it would go away and just let me be irresponsible and go back to bed - like I was before.   I hate this, i hate the anxiety, the crying, the fear, the feeling like i'm not good enough in any part of my life.  Just let me go away!  I can't not be good enough if i never get out of bed.  My kids are misserable, my marriage sucks - I can only pretent everything is alright for just so long before reality comes up and bites my ass.

There's no reprive, no break, no time when everything isn't hell and high water. STOP! Just stop it!  Stop fighting, and misbehaving, and being irresponsible.  Stop giving me more to do and more to think about when I havin't finished doing and thinking what you told me to do and think about before! 

I think i'm going to have to quit school.  If I can't find any ballance, then I just don't need to be there.  Ironically, it's the only damned thing I enjoy.  It's not going to keep my kids out of trouble, and it's not going to save my life.  Marshfield clinic denied me for bariatric surgery - just as well, I wasn't happy with them.  I'm going throu Aspirus in Wausau now and I have a ton of things to do to be ready for surgery and be approved, and my family is just spinning out the drama like cable TV! 

Really?  Can't my family even cut me some slack?  Stop it!  I just got up and out.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Fears & Dreams

Fears vs. Dreams from To Write Love on Her Arms. on Vimeo.

My biggest fear right now is that i'll never be able to come back, that i'll never find my true self.  My biggest dream is getting my surgery and being so much healthier because of it - maybe even not have diabetes, and then be able to go on with my life - move ahead, go to school.

I know the story i'm living - it doesn't have very much life in it.  Every bit of life that i live is like heroic event in my life.  Even grocery shopping.  Depression and pain have me so crippled that I barely live.

Resolved a couple things.

I forgot to post last week that i made up with my therapist.  It was so foreign to me that she wanted to make things right between us.  I was just starting this manic episode when this all happened, and I didn't exactly approach things in an even toned assertive way, but she said she heard the hurt in my voice and wanted to talk.  I went in and we talked, and it's all better now.  She's on vacation right now, and i'm anxious for her to get back!

Brian took the girls' friend home yesterday and I had a talk with the them and they appologised to one another and I hope things are OK.  They seem to be back to normal for now.  That girl doesn't have anyone good to take care of her and it breaks my heart, and i want to just take care of her.  But, I am just in no emotional condition to take on the extra responsibility.   I don't think my girls are either - they just don't even know how to deal with all of that conflict.  In a way i'm proud of how my daughters have turned out... Yeah, we have to work on conflict resolution - who doesn't?  But, they don't know how to deel with it because they don't have to deel with it, and for that - I am proud. 

All that we've been through (and it's been a lot - i'm sure things will come out later on in this blog) and with me trying to deel with bi-polar and physical pain, and my past... and my children don't have to deel with conflict.  *high five* ;)