Sunday, November 13, 2011

It's almost 6 AM

... and I haven't been to sleep yet.  My head doesn't feel sleepy but my body feels exhausted.  I've taken 3 mg of clonazapam to no avail.  We had a haried day today, and a gut wrenching heart-break one too.  Before I even got up for the day I found that my kids had head-lice, which is just fucking crazy.  The oldest had them the worste, and how does that happen?  I thought we were long past this misserable stage in life.

I tried to call brian several times over an hour period and couldn't get through.  His boss just kept saying that he was with customers.  i was hessitant to say that it was an emergency, but it kinda was.  He needed to be checked and he needed to help.  lice is an incredible about of work - it's exhausting.  I used to run myself ragged when the kids would come home with lice from their dad's when they were little.  EVERYTHING has to be washed and you learn a new appreciation for the term "Nit-picking".   So, went to the store to get supplies, and stopped at brian's work to talk to him since I couldn't get through on the phone. 

I'm not exactly sure what I expected of him but it wasn't the flippant attitude I got along with an offer of money, which I now wish i'd accepted.   I was mortified, and knew I couldn't do it all myself like I used to, and he just went back to work and came home 3-4 hours later.  He helped then and i'm greatful but when I left his work, I cried for a good long time.  My heard felt broken.  I realize that I have been deciding whether or not to leave him and when, but I still aknowledge that I love him.  He's just gotten so cold hearted that I don't think he could possibly love me, and that hurts!

We have more work to do tomorrow (uhh today) - we got everything vaccuumed and the bedding all washed and dried, but there's bags full of clothing to wash, and we have to go out into the sunlight to look for more nits.  My oldest swears that lice is one of the 7 plagues, and she's serious - i'm tempted to agree.  Hang on to your boots, the end is near.

It looks like i'm heading into a manic episode - I hope it's a "mini".  How could my husband just leave me flopping in the wind like this when i'm still so fragile?? I was bed bound in a depressive episode for nearly 2 years, and only just recently got up!  'So here, handle this alone ... no problem' 

Uhg - now i'm crying again.  Stupid men

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