Thursday, November 10, 2011

On growing up, among other things

I'm going to be asking my husband for a divorce.  I've already asked several times, but the next day, or as soon as I ask him to do something for me, whichever comes first, he forgets that I asked and carries on as though it was just a fluke in the night by some crazed woman.  I guess that I'm going to have to talk about with him with a therapist or something, I'm just not sure.  I'm also not sure whether to press the point now or wait until after the Holidays.  I mean, it's not like there's someone else waiting for me, nor do I think that he's suddenly going start trying to make things work between now and then.  So, is it better to wait, or just rip it off like a band aid and go on?

I want things to remain amicable with us and I'm sure they can.  I love Brian.  He's never beat any of us, starved us, sexually assaulted us, or any of the horrifying things we went through with my first husband.  I guess that's why I've flip flopped back and forth between wanting a divorce and wanting to stick it out.  You don't leave a perfectly good man, but I'm not happy with him.  He is emotionally unavailable and immature.  Brian is younger than I am by 14 years.  When we met I had a ton of baggage and he was the sympathetic ear that I needed at the time.  Emotionally, we were the same age.  I've since gone through some horrifying events, and am trying to recover from them, and realize that I've grown and want to grow more, but he seems stuck.  Now being around him is hindering my own growth process because he's still that co-dependant little boy that I met. 

I don't think that he can grow while with me either.  Our relationship has turned into one very similar to the one between he and his mother, Especially after I got sick, and needed to be taken care of more.  I almost think that I got sick and had to be cared for more because I was trying to get something out of him that I knew he would give.  He was happy (underneath the ignoring and becoming more and more unavailable) to give it because it was familiar territory for him.

So, here we are, after having gone through all that we've gone through and I'm ready to move on, take care of myself, become in independant, and I don't feel that I can while in this relationship.  I also would love to see Brian make his mistakes and take the consequences of them, and learn from them.  I also think he'd be much better off with a younger woman.  Yeah, I know it's not going to be that easy and it's going to hurt, and I'm going to cry, and I'm going to feel guilty both for leaving him and for splitting up our son's family.  I just don't see how this is doing anyone any good. 

There's this pattern now that goes a lot like the evening went when I got home.   Ours was the only piece of side-walk not shoveled and I almost fell on my ass when I got home.  Brian  seemed confused about the whole notion.  I've been in a ton of pain all day and I asked him this morning when I left to call and make me a chiropractic appointment for tomorrow evening.  He had some time before work, and i'm overly dependant on him.  

So, I asked when my appointment was and there wasn't one, and I had to decide if I was going to pick a fight about it or just shut up.  I chose the latter.  No point in fighting about it anymore. I was hurt and angry and I had the same thoughts go through my head as I have every other day: "I need to just do everything by myself."   Well, guess what, I can't.  Not only am I stuck in this pattern but Brian lives as though no-one else lives here and we all have to clean up after him and remind him to take care of himself.  It's physically and emotionally taxing, and I don't know how I could do that and break that pattern and do everything myself too. 

I'm ready to be on my own, and i'm really ready to find out who I am and what I enjoy. I'm ready to heal and be a healthy person.  I crave that, and nead that!

Wish me luck

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